Grief & the Holidays:

Helping our Children & Teens

By Gillian Amaro, M.Ed., LPC-S

 

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but, you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to.”  

-Elizabeth Kubler-Ross & David Kessler

 

When a loved one dies, what used to be the most wonderful time of year can suddenly be a harsh reminder that someone you love is no longer with you and your family.

There are many different ways to grieve, and so similarly, there are many different ways to observe the holiday season after a loss. One way to start is to have a family discussion that includes- and focuses on – your children.

Most likely, the loss of your loved one will demand changes in your holiday routine. Talking about these changes openly will allow all members of your family to share how they connected with their loved one during the holiday season. It also allows everyone to explain why they can’t celebrate in the same way this year– or why they feel it is so important that traditions continue. Sometimes families like to add traditions to honor their loved ones.

Remind your family that the focus of this discussion is to listen to each other and support each other, not to force a compromise or decision. As much as possible, try to find ways to incorporate everyone’s wishes. Each child is unique and cannot be expected to experience their grief in the same way as others. They may be sad and talking about their loved one often, or they may be happy and focused on the season alone; both are normal. Reminding your children about this will help them to be more supportive of each other.

Though it is a busy time of year, it will be important for you to be flexible. Children’s emotions can change quickly, so try to be patient. They may need a time out from festivities to remember their loved one, even if they (or you) did not think they would need to.  Model your feelings about your grief and the holidays with statements like “I am feeling_______. I need _________. Will you ________?” You can find a complete list of feelings & needs here.   If you have conflicting feelings, it is ok to say both and explain why.

Finally, if you are unable to cope with the holiday season without the help of alcohol or drugs, or if you find yourself unable to have these conversations with your children, seek out help from a licensed counselor. You are grieving too, and if you do not have support, you won’t be able to give your children the support and understanding they need.

For books and more information, the Children’s Bereavement Center of South Texas has a great list of resources here: http://cbcst.org/what-we-do/resources/recommended-readings/

 

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Gillian Amaro, LPC-S

I believe that we, as individuals, can create joy, love, and purpose in our lives through authentic connection. I love empowering women, couples & teens to feel comfortable with who they are & gain insight about how they connect with others. I am a Licensed Professional Counselor & Supervisor and offer individual, family & couples sessions, as well as group therapy. My passion for counseling & healthy communication includes stepping out of the office to facilitate workshops and CEU trainings.

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392 W. Mill St. New Braunfels, TX 78130

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