“Special time”, or M & M time as I like to call it (mommy & me) is simply a time to connect with your child daily that is different than the rest of the day. With visitors, phone calls, dishes, yard work….. most of us cannot connect with our children all the time! The simplicity & complexity of creating a sacred space for connection & healing is an important component of therapy. Similarly, you might need help in setting up a sacred space for connection with your child.

Here are 5 steps to help you begin!

1) Decide how much time you can set aside for M&M time daily. Ideally, this would be 15-20 minutes every day with each child, however this obviously depends on your work demands, family rhythm, and size.  The most important thing is that you are present with your child for a guaranteed amount of time daily. Even if you can only commit to 5 minutes daily, having a consistent routine for special time assures your child that they will get important connection every day, just with you.

2) Depending on your child’s age, think about-  or talk with your child about- where is most comfortable for them to play and/or talk, and then decide the best time and place for special time. You may find one child wakes up early, and enjoys their special time then, while another needs to check in right after school or after dinner. Ideally, if you have multiple children, this is a time and place where their siblings are asleep, spending time with your spouse, or involved in another activity.

3) Develop some kind of ritual to signify that special time is beginning or ending. This could be a specific time, song, candle, fun yell, “secret sign”, or even lighting of a candle. With smaller children, you will want to set a timer, and give them updates about how much time is left, so that they understand clearly when special time begins and ends.

4) As much as possible, allow your child to talk about or ask you anything they want. If they ask a question that makes you feel uncomfortable, say that you are uncomfortable answering that and offer an alternative (more information on ACT limit setting here). As a parent, please make sure if you do ask questions during special time that they are: A) Open-ended B) Not related to recent arguments or disagreements and C) Your child can “pass” or choose not to answer for any reason

5) There are a few important “rules” for special time:

• 1. Allow your child to be “in charge” during this time as much as is possible.
• 2. If they want to do something that is not allowed, use the ACT limit setting strategy and try to keep your voice calm.
• 3. Setting Limits: Use the ACT limit setting technique described here
• 4. Phones are off and in another room.
• 5. Most of the play and/or topics should be introduced by the child.

Examples of open ended questions:

• Can you describe your favorite part of your day today?
• Can you describe a time when you had trouble in school today?
• What made you laugh today?
• Can you tell me about a friend you have, that I don’t know much about?
• How is our family different from your friends’ families? How are we the same?

Some ideas for special time activities might include:

• play dough
• legos
• puzzles
• painting
• blocks
• taking a walk outside
• cards or board games
• matchbox cars
• trains
• dolls
• pretend play -kitchen, tools, etc
• outdoor play/games

Please allow yourself to make mistakes as you are trying this out. In time, it will get easier. As this becomes more routine, adding weekly or monthly “dates” with mom and dad are another great way to connect, do something fun, and create memories.

Keep connecting!

-Gillian

For a quick summary of ACT limit setting, please click here

For a video on ACT limit setting by Dr. Theresa Kellam please click here 

If you are hoping to make a change in your life, or would just like more information on counseling in general, please call 512-501-2597. You may schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation to ask questions, gain a better understanding of what counseling is like, and decide if it is the right step for you.

“Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.”

-Fred Rogers